I'll make this quick, I've gotta go to work.
This might change because I didn't get philosophy or psychology, which I only wanted for a s.s. credit anyway. I did get art, maybe it's a sign.

1 Calc BC - Brandt
2 French 4 - Inza (not Madame!)
3 Astronomy/Geology - Malfroid
4 Chamber Choir
5 Wind Ensamble
6 Comp 12-1 AP - Gollon.

Comment if we have classes together.

It feels useless explaining how pathetic I feel when no one will understand what I'm talking about.
To be honest, I don't think I could even explain it anyway.

For the record, I thought Snakes on a Plane was stupid. Not good stupid. Just lame. And really gross.

Is it a sign that I've been inserting "fuck" into my everyday language significantly more in the past week?

mood: grumpy music: west side story soundtrack

The usuals are gone. Thus, the random plans are gaining strength in numbers. It's finally what I wanted out of summer. Tonight I became an underground spy. But I don't have a codename yet.

It seems like everything around me is changing, but in that change some things are reverting back to how they used to be, or how they should have been all along. It's fresh and new, and yet falling into this comfortable zone that I'm finding strangely familiar. Perhaps it's how we've risen to the top again, rather suddenly, and now that our older friends are gone, we're forced to re-learn what to do with ourselves. But we're all just rebels growing old together anyway.

A few exclamation marks have recently turned into question marks, but only for my point of view. I'm the editor with the red pen whose marks some refuse to pay attention too, while others disregard for their own superior opinion. I don't want control, just a hand in certain situations that at the moment seem pointless to persuade. I want to comprehend things, at least some of the time.

Why do I always feel the necessity to fill entries with pseudo-intellectual metaphors? They're awful.

mood: contemplative music: wolf parade

Can't believe I just watched the Miss Universe pageant ONLY because Miss U.S.A. wore a dress designed on Project Runway. Japan should have won, what a hot samaurai costume.

Anyway, summer is still boring and mainly being eaten up by our emptying the storage unit, instead filling our garage with my dad's crap that he's afraid to throw away. Boxes of obsolete car parts, and jars filled with screws that he might someday need . . . I hate being the offspring of pack rats.

That's all. I really wish I was going to college. Everything's gotten boring.

Oh yeah, does anyone have a Jenga set lying around that I could borrow for band camp?

After going into DM camp anticipating lots of work and stress and fatigue, I came out with a pretty awesome experience. I did really well . . . got a Big 10 award. And I made lots of friends because everyone there was of course band nerds and over achievers.
Having to room with 3 (make that 4, another one moved herself in on Tuesday) annoying color guard freshman allowed me to hang out with the guys alot, and realize that I'm not half as bad at frisbee as I thought. This led to one of the best nights ever, an intense but exhilirating game of Ultimate in the pouring rain between the hours of 9 and 10:30. Not to mention free pizza from someone's birthday.
The next night was the "dance/social gathering". Never been so sweaty in my life. Surprisingly, some good music (namely oldies). Did you know there's a line dance to the Love Shack? Not to mention by the song was over, every person in the room was doing it, instead of the usual lame handful. And I got to dance in my own crazy way because most everyone else was. Grinding makes me want to regurgitate my organs.
I'm really skipping over the majority of camp, which was working all day, with really stressful evaluations each evening, first on marching, then the next 2 nights were conducting. Barely any time to learn the stuff we were critically tested on, but I mananged to turn up with only 6 points at the end of the week (the fewer, the better).

So that was DM camp. Last night after I returned I saw Pirates with Ben. The movie was a little weird . . .

Today turned out nice as well, I spent the day at Sidewalk Sales with ma mere. Got some vintage jewelry and black gloves that just go to my wrist. I'm rather excited about them.

Best of all, Project Runway has returned! I'd love having a party or two for it in my basement with our plasma widescreen - let me know of any interest.

It's nice to be rising out of that summer slump :)

mood: getting better all the time

Summer: lots to do and no one to do it with. So frustrating.
I'm kicking myself for wishing we were back in school.

mood: annoyed music: beck - girl

my reliance on a planned out schedule was shattered by unexpected changes and ideas.
in improvising to find an alternative, i found myself acting out, free and uncontrolled.
it was the feeling you had as a kid when you did things you knew were bad, like sneaking cookies before dinner, and got away with them.
not that i was being bad. i just felt spontaneous and sure of myself.
for example, laura and i escaped from work today on our self-extended break, to buy frappacinos.
it was nothing, but it felt so devious.
and yet that's exactly how it always goes - an almost innocent act is pushed farther to fall into a pattern of worse and worse things.
not even sure what i'm saying so i'll stop.
i guess it's just all because i'm not sure where i am at the moment.
i just have this urge to go do something shocking.

Had I realized sooner that my last entry was penned (typed?) before school ended, I probably would have written more sooner.
Recently I've been feeling these tidal waves of exhaustion, which come without warning, but drift away as I ignore them. It's when I dwell on them, thinking I'm lazy or lonely or bored that more come, and basically, I almost drown. Or at least get some salt in my eyes.
What a silly metaphor.
Everyone should find time, sometime this summer, to sit down with a somewhat special someone and play chess. It's rather enjoyable. However, I suggest a solid platform for your chessboard - when the knights get excited and gallop to the wrong spots, chaos may ensue if a level playing field is lacking.
I heard a rumor that Caribou is giving free koolers tomorrow, from 2 to 3. What a lovely relief after summer gym :-b

mood: strategic

Really, was all the pain I had to suffer through this morning a punishment for my immature brooding the night before? Trivial matters, I know. Unfairness always gets to me. But I can't help being angry about it, in addition to being upset with myself for being so immature.

Things that helped:
Donuts in the park, especially the cherry one. And jelly always provides amusement from its sloppiness.
Shopping with a gift card. Only $20, but still, I managed to find a pair of cute t-shirts. One even has pink flowers on it, amazing with my dislike of that color.
Seeing Cherry at the library on my break, and finding The Umbrellas of Cherbourg on DVD. It's a French romantic musical made in 1964 :)
Being this much closer to summer vacation.

My plans for tomorrow include perhaps taking a jog and/or walking to b&n to sell some fairly new books i have. Perhaps I can get money for grad presents!

Unfortunately, my allergies continue to torment me to no end. Why can't the pollen/mold/cottonweed/pollutants leave me in peace????

In France, my allergies went away, and they promptly returned when I stepped off the plane back in Detroit. I think it's a sign.

mood: mixed music: opera and such

So I'm still not sure what's going on. I shouldn't bother asking.

I've aquired a sore throat that's choking the life out of me.

My mean German neighbor, Carolla (Cruella), is currently playing yahtzee with her . . . friend? Sister? Lover? Haven't figured that one out yet. Anyway, I think the company is making her nicer. However, said companion is in my parking spot and never goes anywhere. I'm a little irked.

Attended the first of many grad parties today. It was lovely, as they always tend to be. :)

I think being by myself makes me more social when I'm with people again. Or is it just that in being alone more often as of late, I've found more comfort when I return to large gatherings? Not sure.

I've recently finished a book called Persepolis, a graphic novel about a girl in Iran growing up during the Iran-Iraq war. I love reading graphic novels that aren't manga, which are usually filled with unreal characters and events. Instead, I appreciate nice, simple, black and white drawings with real ideas. I'm inspired to make a story of myself, though I'm afraid it would be too scattered and lame to be a purposeful book.

Then again, I could always exaggerate the retrospect. It reminds me of Gemma's sonnet.

5 days left of bondage! Freedom approaches! One can only hope it will be as glorious as I've been dreaming as of late . . . but not at all what's been expected. :) Ciao.

mood: undecided music: norwegian wood

No really, I don't get it. Can someone explain what's going on?

mood: confused music: the white album

With all that's happened already, June is going to be marvelous.

Yes, I am one of the drum majors for next year. I still really don't believe it, I was so incredibly shocked at awards. It's so exciting, being able to achieve something you've really desired, but never truly thought possible. There were all these limitations, such as me never having really marched before, and the rolling debates in my head finding all reasons against my making it. I suppose that's how it always is, when you're awaiting something big you tend to meditate on the negatives until they drive you mad.

Now that math and phys exams are done, school requires little effort. What a relief to prematurely slide past with the grades I wanted. Having to take exams at the same time as the seniors angered me before, but in retrospect it's lovely to have gotten rid of all that stress, with 2 weeks left to go. And now we build rockets and learn calculus, sans homework and due dates.

5 days left until my favorite month, and freedom not soon after. But it feels like I've almost reached that prematurely too. Everything has become a thing to look forward to, but hopefully it all won't speed by like Christmas Day.

I want to keep opening presents and finding candy at the bottom of my stocking. :)

Go do something lovely today, to compete with the beauty of the day itself!

mood: happy music: sukie in the graveyard - belle and sebastian

I can now confirm that time travel is possible.
The key is no effort in trying to do so, whatsoever. Silly conversation and frappacinos can lighten the mood, but normality must remain in place. You're lacksadasically sunk into a couch, and the moment you try to escape to something else you're caught halfway in between, in a state of confusion and daring mischief.
Once the room is empty, the spaceship goes into a lagging hyperspeed. Everything is so sudden and so expected. You're heading into new lands, but everything is as natural and comforting as if you've seen this movie every Friday night of your life. No time at all is passing while you zoom lightyears into the future.
For a moment, it's possible to be eternally relaxed, to forget everything but the sense of touch and feeling, a disorientation that creates an unimaginable sphere of security impenetrable to anything but time itself.
It's lovely, really.

mood: hopeful music: clap your hands say yeah - is this love?

Bend me backwards so that I can stand up a little straighter, please.
Time crams itself into my shoulders when the hours are stuffed like an oversized carnival prize.
Such a short period of time can take so long to shuffle by, just to agonize the impatience.
C'est horrible.

mood: tired

Why do the most radical thoughts come at the wee hours of the morning, amidst chattering teeth and dry contacts? Stranded with nothing but selfish immature love and disgust made me feel all the more loathing for everything.
Now it's just failure and procrastination. And avoidance, but from what I'm not sure.
It was kind of surreal, but mainly because I was so exhausted. I guess I just expected everything to happen differently.
Expectations tend to get the best of us sometimes.

mood: gloomy

I like the way things feel so natural when everything else around us seems rather unnatural and twisted, stretched out and smashed. Like how time is going by so rapidly, and yet it's taken so long to reach where we've finally meant to go all along.
Unnatural is that huge dusty gym, smelling of overachievers, stressful persperation, packets of fresh standardized tests ripped clean from their bulky packages, and too many granola bars for those 5-minute breaks utilized by dashing to faraway bathrooms, just to avoid waiting in a line of exhausted adolescent brains. Bursting into laughter at the disgustingly endless rows of individual desks and flimsy chairs, all to give college admission some edge and competition. Blech. And so I sit next to a European version of a highly intelligent figure I never really knew, wondering how much appearances affect observers, and if I'm driving him nuts with my half-crazed glances in the midst of bubbling C-A-B-D.
I really enjoy observing. The cycles that go on among groups, individuals. Connections surprise me. Actions surprise me. Feelings, the most unpredictable, are usually easily guessed. I content myself in this spectatorship, in spite of lonlieness that comes when I selfishly crave seeing certain people, but force myself towards solitude anyway.
It did remind me of that first night, but in technicolor. You know, out of the simple shades of black and white? It wasn't a surprise, but in spite of knowing it was coming, it tapped me on the shoulder I wasn't looking over. A compromise between reluctancy and eagerness to give in. No, not a compromise. A perfect combination allowing for that rare sense of complete security that is always desired.
I'm fed up with so many things, but not in a violent, angry way. Just apathetic. Things need to end so that better things can start.
Welcome, summer.

mood: absolutely lovely music: music from my symphony concert still in my head

For a while I was considering deleting this, since I don't use it anymore, and never am able to commit to any form of a journal, even the benrik book. But hey, Project Runway is over, so I suppose my extra time once consumed with 24/7 PR re-runs on bravo can be used, well, not wisely, but slightly more efficiently than sitting on my butt wishing I could sew and marry a straight Daniel V. My fingers need the exercise.

That's a lie; I've been a piano nazi this week. I decided that it might be a good idea to practice Rachi before the assembly thing my studio had today. All I really gained was the discovery that I'm pretty much the only non-Asian/Indian over the age of 10 left in my studio. Pretty sweet.
Except the piano prodigy home-schooled boy who was amazing just dropped everything to pursue . . . theatre? I guess I'd find that cooler if I hadn't already seen him do an awful job in a play at Bay City. Poor soul. It was just a little shocking.

Hey, I got emo glasses! Went to put in my contact yesterday morning, and the second hurt like crazy, so I take it out and there's a BIG tear, right down the center. What the hell. Wouldn't have been such a problem if I'd had extras, which I was scheduled to get on Monday anyways (as in tomorrow). Mom drove me to symphony, in which I was tortured with 4 hours of playing music with one contact. Especially when I'm pretty much blind - my contact Rx is -7.5.
So then I got glasses from Lenscrafters, and all is well. I really like them actually. I'd wear them on Tuesday if it weren't for choir festival, they'd look silly with the already silly dress.
I tried to take a picture of myself but my camera ate the batteries.

Comment if you think deleting this journal is highly unnecessary.
Or just for love :)

mood: lazy music: arcade fire - un année sans lumiere

Yup, this entry is going out by request from KT!

Haven't updated lately due the the stressful busy chaos of the past few weeks. What a relief for S&E to finally be over . . . at least until States, ugh.
No more drama! Please!

Gotten a little behind on the Benrik book (the one that should change my life). My plan is to go back and do everything over the summer that i didn't do. We'll see how that one works out.

Currently having schizophrenia:

Being extremely lazy and wanting to take a nap, to feeling motivated enough to run on the treadmill for long periods of time or dance hyperactively around my house.

Liking too many boys at one time. Or just changing my mind a lot about them.

Waking up with an abundance of happiness that slides into utter gloominess. Kind of like the weather.

Most bizarre of all - I didn't find anything at Salvo today.

Nevertheless, I'm really psyched for MIFA this weekend. Cuz Bay City is always the most fun. And I'm seeing Dante. Hopefully things will get patched up. I've learned that bitterness isn't the best things for old relationships.

Til spring comes (along with the sun)
C-ana

mood: blah music: arcade fire - tunnels

I have finally successfully purchased my ipod from ebay! And it's even better than my original prospects of a mini - I got a 20 GB! I'm extremely excited. It was definitely worth the full hour sitting here watching my bid to make sure I was winning, white waiting for my white nail polish to dry. I could definitely do that more often!

I started writing about Symphony this morning but realized most of you won't know what I'm talking about. So here's a nice LJ cut, including an interesting story about my evil neighbor.

( This week at MYS . . . )

I kind of hoped I'd get to do something exciting tonight, but I came home from my oboe lesson after MYS and slept for 2 1/2 hours. I guess I needed it, because I woke up feeling sorta pukey-sick. But Phantom was on TV, my new Harper's Bazaar came in the mail, and I bought my first item on Ebay! Not too shabby.

Music I want to buy/borrow/steal:

Franz Ferdinand's new CD

The Strokes' new CD (I listened to it at B&N and I like all the songs except the single, Juicebox. How funny.)

Razorlight (also listened @ B&N, decided I like them lots)

Elliott Smith - Either/Or

All of Of Montreal except Sunlandic Twins

And just about everything else.

Have a nice weekend everyone! Ciao!

~C-ana, proud owner of an ipod from ebay :)

mood: blek music: Since when does Sirius radio play on 89.9???? LOVE!